151. A few months later…

Today I saw my ex-husband on the Swingers website.  Ugh.

Apparently, he is looking for anything from a relationship to erotic chat, he enjoys giving oral sex (well that is a lie), giving massages and spanking (thats new).  He says he is “open to exploration and suggestion with the right person”, still can’t spell and has stretched the truth when it comes to his measurements.

I reacted with mild annoyance and thought about blocking him so he couldn’t see my profile.  He will see a notification that I have viewed his and, even though my name and face are not on the profile, he will likely figure out its me.  Then I thought, fuck him.  Let him see my sexy profile, listing all my racy interests and new-found sexual proclivities.  I definitely did not react with the same level of white hot rage that I used to when I would stumble across him on the inter-webs, so I guess my parade of hot young lovers has helped put some emotional distance in place.  I just feel sorry for any poor woman that thinks she is going to have a good time with him.

Makes me wonder how many of the guys on the site are as useless as him.  One woman’s trash is another’s treasure perhaps.

After nine months of Fuck Buddydom I think The Fisherman and I are starting to cool.  We’ve had a couple of sex club visits that have been completely enjoyable and I last saw him three weeks ago when we had a dalliance in a fancy hotel suite together, but our contact is very minimal. We have had the first “nah, I’m too tired to come over” text conversation.  We’ve never texted much between visits and it feels even less so lately.

His shift work schedule continues to be unhelpful and unsociable, and my expectations are low.  I have affection for him, but I don’t think about him much between visits and know we don’t share much in common that would help build an actual relationship.  The chemistry is wonderful when we are together and I am never bored by him, but I feel the end may be nigh.

I am not very interested in men right now.  I’ve been busy job hunting and enjoying my life as it is, without any great burning need to find a man. Whenever I open a dating app or website I am swiftly bored, turned off or, frankly, disgusted by what I find.

The men I do chat with are lazy and ungiving.  I know I’ve mentioned this before, but when I match the level of effort the man gives, the connection quickly disappears.  The bar is SO low fellas!  Be a good conversationalist and an attentive man of action, and you can meet some great women.

OR…..just wait around for the woman to do all the heavy lifting and rely on her desperation.  But you should know, in this modern world, women are less in need of anything you have to bring to the table, so if she chooses to invest in you consider yourself lucky and congratulate yourself on being somewhat interesting and generous. And keep it up.

I’ve learned sex is easy to find, but a genuine romantic connection is the rarest of gems. And I am chasing no man for either.

I know this isn’t the kind of stimulating intercourse you have come to enjoy on this blog, which is why I haven’t written in so long.  I still enjoy interacting with y’all on Twitter and I get a real kick out of seeing my stats spike when a new reader finds my blog and binges it all in three days.  I love this blog for many reasons; the therapy, the journey, the connections, the reminiscences and the cathartic process of writing.  So I intend to always return when I have something to say or mull over.

I’ve come to believe that I will never have another great romantic love.

That isn’t a “woe is me” statement.  It is merely an observation of all the factors.  I am not looking for it, it isn’t looking for me and I am mostly okay with that.  Of course I have my down days where I ponder “why not me?” and curse the universe for my profound unlovability.

Then I go and do whatever the fuck I want without having to consult anyone and I feel a whole lot better.

As a small bonus to this dark and dreary post, I offer you this memory of my last visit to the sex club….

She was a busty brunette, and her  boyfriend a wide-eyed blonde who clearly couldn’t believe his luck.  He moaned softly as he fucked me from behind, his hands on my hips, pushing himself deep inside, watching my head moving between her legs, tongue busily lapping away.  She took The Fisherman’s cock out of her mouth long enough to tell me she was going to climax and she was likely to squirt.  I moved up to kneel on the bed beside her, kissing her deeply as The Fisherman took over at the business end.  Her man continued fucking me from behind while I kissed her and tongued her nipples, then she let out an almighty moan as she soaked The Fisherman, pushing him over the edge of his own climax.

It was a fun night.

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