I expected to hear from The Captain all day on Monday, and my girlfriends checked in all day long to find out if he had called.
He did not.
On Tuesday I had enough waiting and took control, sending him a message.
“Hi there. Do you have some time to chat today?”
“Sorry busy atm…I’ll call later, probably on my way home.”
He had just started a new job and was likely sitting with someone learning the ropes, so I accepted this easily. I had driven to work as I had a massage appointment until 6.30pm so would have an hour or so to talk in the car afterwards.
“Can I call you about 7pm on my way home?” I suggested.
“Sure” he replied.
“Great. Talk tonight. Enjoy your day.”
After an excruciatingly slow day, I got in the car and called. I wish I could tell you every word but I’ve come to realise the emotion I’ve been experiencing during these conversations is making it hard to remember every detail, so I can only give you the gist of the conversation.
The Captain was friendly and chatty as always, talking about himself and his day. I asked him why he had not called me on the Monday as he said he would.
“I had the worst migraine and got into bed as soon as I got home. I was meant to call you and my kids and I just couldn’t, and I realise now I should have texted you or something, because you were probably wondering what happened and overthinking it. I’m sorry.”
Too fucking right mate.
During the conversation I know I told him that I was still confused about what he wanted and thought we should meet to talk properly. He agreed and we made plans to have dinner near my apartment on Friday night.
I did a lot of the talking during the phone call, and I know I told him I was open to resuming what we had before. I told him that he may not have realised last time that, while I was happy with our situation (living apart, seeing each other a couple of times a week, weekends away, then leading our own lives), I had thought of us as having long term potential and that I had hoped one day we would meet each other’s families, talk about living together maybe. I didn’t want any of that yet, but I knew it was the natural progression of a successful, mature relationship.
I told him I was prepared to give him my complete focus to see if we could get back together. I said I wouldn’t delete my dating profiles, but I also wouldn’t start anything new while we were exploring our relationship, so we could have the best chance possible. The Captain accepted I was dating and told me he appreciated me putting some things on hold for him.
The phone call ended on friendly terms with our plans in place for Friday night, and I felt good again about the potential we might achieve.
The next few days passed uneventfully, and I kept the conversations going with my other lovers, including The Fisherman and The Boy Next Door, but I paused my other dating accounts and told a couple of less interesting prospects that I had received some personal news and I would be taking a break from dating for a while. I asked them if I could contact them later, and they wished me well and were happy to keep me in their matches until I was ready to meet.
On Thursday night at 9.30pm I got a text.
“Sorry can’t make tomorrow night. Have kids with me now, so I’ll call you tomorrow if that’s OK ?”
My heart sank and the familiar feeling of him standing me up at the last minute made my blood boil. I resisted the urge to text back “Fuck you” and instead took a few minutes.
“That’s disappointing but I guess you have your reasons. I’m working from home tomorrow so can talk whenever.”
I tried not to be too angry and waited all day to hear his excuse. I gave him, once again, the benefit of the doubt in case there was a problem with his new job or his kids or his ex wife, that he could not avoid.
Finally, at about 7pm he called. As always, The Captain was keen to make small talk about his day, apologising for leaving his personal phone at home and only having his work phone with him all day, which didn’t have my number in it. He told me how tired he was and how he had picked up some beers on his way home and was planning a big night in front of the television.
I let him prattle on for ten minutes before I had to interrupt.
“I have a question.”
“Whats that?” He asked and I could hear the edge in his voice as he braced himself.
“Why are you sitting home alone tonight instead of having dinner with me like we planned?”
The Captain sighed and told me that after our conversation on Monday he was concerned that my feelings for him were too great for us to just be “casual”, which was all he wanted. So, coupled with how tired he was from his new job, he thought it best to have a night to himself.
I felt the colour rise in my cheeks, and I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Jesus Christ. Are you telling me you don’t remember what our time together was like? We saw each other twice a week and were enjoying being together without being all over each other all the time. It worked until your personal issues got too big to ignore and I felt like I had to be the supportive, caring partner you needed. All I wanted was a “funship”, no living together, no marriage, no bad stuff, just the fun stuff. I was perfectly happy with that and then you told me on the night you dumped me that we weren’t “progressing”, whatever that meant! So I told you the other night that I had considered a future with you, but I didn’t mean right away, its somewhere we would have to find our way to over time.”
I told him I still didn’t think he was ready for this, that he still didn’t know what he wanted and, that if he really wanted to spend some time with me his actions would have demonstrated it. The Captain got defensive.
“If this is too hard I’m just gonna call it now.” He said.
“Oh for fucks sake, don’t say that.” I rolled my eyes so hard he must have heard them down the phone line.
“Do you remember how we agreed to always have these talks in person? That we shouldn’t do this over the phone or text because it always ended badly. That is why I wanted to see you tonight. I wanted to talk in person and work out exactly what it is you want from me.”
The Captain interjected, “I wanted to see if we could have something casual, but I think you have too many feelings to keep it that way.”
At this point I realised that The Captain was projecting. I knew how I felt but he thought he knew better. He always assumed he knew how I felt without asking me and it made me furious.
“I just need some time to think.” He said for the eleventy-millionth time.
“All I want is for you to make a date to see me and keep it. Can you do that?” I asked.
“I will think about it and let you know, alright?” He said condescendingly, wanting to end the conversation.
“Well now you sound mad and I don’t want to end the conversation like this. Please will you make some time to talk with me in person so we can resolve this?” I asked.
“‘I’m not mad and I will let you know when I can see you.”
I didn’t believe him. We hung up and I sat there seething.
The Captain was the master at making assumptions about how I feel and making decisions for me, about us, without consultation. He treated me like his wife, telling me about his boring day like it was all I had been waiting to hear all day, when all I really wanted was to laugh, fuck and play with him. He believed me to be weak of heart, too sensitive and incapable of a grown up, mutually satisfying relationship.
But it is him who doesn’t know how to have the relationship he says he wants. The Captain can’t seem to separate and regulate his feelings. What the fuck is he afraid of??
That we will resume the awesome sex, conversations, dates and roadtrips we were enjoying?
Does he think I want to marry him and be with him all the time? Fuck no.
Beloved readers, you know how I feel about all this relationship nonsense! Why doesn’t he get it? *I will resist the urge to send him the blog link*
I sat on the couch seething for a while, then sent The Captain a text.
“All I hoped for tonight was a flirty dinner, some wine and some great sex with you. Can we both please stop overthinking this? I hope you climb back aboard the fun ship.”
There has been no reply, and I doubt there will ever be one.
I was full of indignation but knew how to feel better.
“Hey Boy Next Door, want some company tonight?”
He was at my place, naked, thirty minutes later. I fucked him furiously, turning him on with my animalistic urgency, then making him slow down because I wanted it to last.
We rolled around for an hour, kissing frantically, pushing fast and hard, and when he could take it no more, I made him kneel on the bed in front of me and I took his wet cock into my mouth and sucked him in deep, my hands cupping and squeezing his butt cheeks and the back of his thighs. He came loudly and I wouldn’t let his cock go. I licked and sucked and swirled my tongue around the tip while he moaned and twitched, loving it and wanting me to stop all at the same time.
We lay together for a while afterwards talking and we laughed at his dating misadventures. It was nice and friendly and we stroked each other affectionately. I told him The Captain was back but had stood me up that night, and confessed that was why I had reached out. He told me he was happy to be of assistance, and that The Captain was a dick for cancelling on me.