Online dating has been tiresome and dull. Endless text messaging with uninteresting men who struggle to keep up a conversation, wanting to get right to a fuck without so much as a “how do you do”.
My swingers site has been uninspiring, so I downloaded Tinder again *sigh* and immediately became addicted to swiping left like I was playing a one cent slot machine.
An hour after I rejoined, The Boy Next Door sent me a screenshot of my profile which had popped up in his Tinder deck. I asked him if he was going to do the right thing and give me a super like.
“I don’t need to,” he replied. “I know where to find you.”
He did indeed. Just a few days earlier I had been bored at home on a lazy Sunday only filled with chores and Netflix binges. I had given into an impulse and asked The Boy Next Door to come for a visit.
Since The Captain dumped me, The Boy Next Door and I had been in almost daily contact, I had gone to his house for a drink and catch up conversation where we shared a quick but passionate kiss. I had only fucked The Fisherman the day before so it didn’t feel right to give in to temptation and be with The Boy Next Door that night when I could still feel the ghost of another penis inside me.
“Now we have caught up we won’t need to talk next time we see each other.” I teased.
And thats what happened.
“I’m bored, come over?” I asked via text.
“I will be there in an hour.”
When I opened the door, I smiled and pulled him in for a kiss. Things got heated very quickly after so many weeks of flirting and within moments we were on my bed, rolling back and forth in our usual struggle for dominance. I pulled him inside me urgently, my animalistic fervour taking him by surprise.
I could tell he was surprised by my passion but wasn’t stupid enough to ask questions.
We had a fun night, no orgasm for me as usual, but the experience was fun nonetheless and was better exercise than watching another movie on my couch. I sent him home after a few hours and went to bed to sleep in his lingering manly scent.
The Fisherman asked if he could come and visit on Wednesday night and I was excited to see him. He was most certainly not the guy for me, but he was frickin awesome in the sack and I looked forward to his touch.
Wednesday morning arrived and I awoke to find I had my period. For fucks sake..really? My body hates me back sometimes.
I informed The Fisherman of this new development and he awkwardly declined to keep our date. Whatevs dude. I was annoyed at a cancelled fuck but privately happy to have a night to myself.
On Friday morning I was working away when I got a text.
“How have you been? Good I hope. Not sure if you kept my number? It’s The Captain!”
It was a text I knew would come someday, but I wasn’t expecting it today and it took me by complete surprise.
We made some small brief small talk, where he told me about his new job, before I asked him why he had contacted me.
“I still think about you… thought enough time had passed… so thought I’d say Hi. Thought we could catch up for a coffee or lunch. Enjoy a good laugh together?”
My palms were sweaty, my heart was racing and I thought I might throw up.
I agreed to meet him, not sure if he was just angling to be friends or rekindle our romance.
After much speculation with my girlfriends, a restless night then a hellishly anxious morning, I went to the restaurant he had booked for us.
The Captain was waiting for me out front and gave me a big hug.
Fuckfuckfuckityfuckfuckfuckfuck. He smelled and felt just as good in my arms as I remembered.
“You look tense.” He held me at arm’s length after we broke our hug, examining my face and trying to see my eyes through my sunglasses.
“I am fucking tense!” I laughed nervously.
We went inside and sat at the same table we had previously enjoyed on a very early date. We ordered drinks and looked at the menu without reading a word, while he talked nervously, filling me in on the new job and how things had unfolded for him on the last four months.
The Captain quit his job two weeks after we broke up and the new job he had lined up fell through a few days before he was due to begin. He spent three months looking for work and focussing on his kids and their problems before he found the new job he has recently started.
Conversation turned to me and I told him a few things about work, my social engagements and activities in the four months since he dumped me, but remained quite guarded.
After we got the “catch up” part of the conversation out of the way I looked him directly in those baby blue eyes of his and asked the only question I could think of.
“Why am I here?”
I wish I could tell you everything he said, word for word, but my mind is still whirling 24 hours later, and it is all a blur of emotion. Right now it feels like a dream that I want to keep having.
The Captain told me he remembers our break up as though it happened in a fog. He remembers wanting to be with me, pulling me in tight and then in the next moment wanting to push me away. He remembers being overwhelmed and feeling guilty that I was going through his turbulent time with him, and knowing he had to get out of the fog and he couldn’t take me with him.
He said my words on that fateful night had rung in his ears for months, that he was throwing away something wonderful, how he had cried the entire way home in the car, and when he got his new job the first person he wanted to tell was me.
I told him how stunned I had been on the night he dumped me (yes I kept saying “when you dumped me”. The responsibility wasn’t mine to share), and how I had known the whole time that the only reason it happened was because of his issues and that I had done nothing wrong.
The Captain agreed and told me he was sorry he hurt me.
As I sat there still trying to work out what he wanted I studied his face and could see my scrutiny was making him squirm.
“Stop looking at me like that!” He laughed awkwardly, “you look like you are trying to figure me out!”
“I am.” I smiled.
And I wanted him. Bad.
I wanted to lean over the table and kiss him so desperately.
I asked him the questions I had obsessed over all those months ago.
“Was there someone else waiting in the wings?”
“Absolutely not.” He confessed he had bumped into, and reconnected with, an old high school girlfriend for a few weeks in September.
He told me it was a disaster and she was, self confessed, very high maintenance and he didn’t need her drama.
I slurped down more wine and told him I had been back on the dating sites for about three weeks.
“How has that been?” He asked.
“Do you really want to know?” I replied.
“Yes, its okay.” He smiled.
I told him truthfully I had endured so many crappy chats with uninspired men, had a couple of nice dates, but not found anyone yet.
And I felt like I had nothing to lose.
“You really hurt me Captain. We had something so great, and looking back I should have let you go sooner to sort out your shit, but neither of us wanted to say goodbye. When you dumped me I was totally shocked, but it was a mature break up and I couldn’t hate you. I’ve had traumatic break ups before that got nasty (looking at you Toolman) but this wasn’t the same. I always felt like this day would come, maybe in a year when you were in a better place, you would contact me.”
The Captain listened patiently and intently.
“I really loved you. This is why I can’t be friends with my exes. Part of me will always love them and it hurts me to see them again. It brings up all those bad feelings, mixed in with lots of good ones and its confusing.”
I wanted to keep talking and I wanted to take his hand and pull him close, kiss him like my life depended on it.
But our parking meters had expired.
The Captain paid for lunch and I let him.
“Well you did dump me, the least you can do is pay for my lunch.” I smirked.
“Of course! I was the one that invited you out. If I was still unemployed I would have asked you to pay!” We joked and laughed as he walked me to my car.
“Come here.” He pulled me in close for a hug.
We held each other tight and I had to resist the urge to squeeze his ass, and he knew it.
“I’ve missed you squeezing my butt.” He smiled, then leant down and kissed me gently on the lips.
I wanted to cry. The emotion was overwhelming and my heart was about to explode.
The kiss was brief but so perfect, just like always.
“I can see this has been a lot for you today. Why don’t you take some time to process everything and we can talk in a few days?” He suggested.
“Um yep, okay. Good to see you. I’m glad you invited me out. Thanks for lunch.” I got in my car and drove home in a daze.
Half an hour later I got a text.
“It was really great seeing you again. Although it was tense to begin with I think we both relaxed a bit towards the end. Let’s let today sink in and chat again soon. X”
“That was very intense. It was really good to see you and it made me feel a lot of things again. It’s scary for me to let you back in to my life. I look forward to seeing you again. Xx Ps I’m very glad you kissed me.”
“I’m sorry if I brought back the hurt.. and I know you’re scared. Would like to have kept today going, but thought you looked like you needed time. Yes the kiss was nice, but had it lasted longer I would have wanted to go back to your place and we both know what that would have led to!!!”
I spent all afternoon and evening staring out my window trying to make sense of the flood of feelings I was having. Panic, excitement, love, desire, fear, disbelief all spun in a soup of confusion my head.
There is only one thing I know for certain.
I still love him and I want him to be mine again.