137. Nobody’s soulmate

So I’ve been enjoying my time alone, in no rush to resume the rollercoaster ride of modern dating, and I’ve had a lot of time to think.

What if there is nobody for me?  Well, surprisingly that thought made me feel better.  I’ve spent half my life, since I started to date, alone.

And I am pretty good at it.  I like my own company, I know how to entertain myself, I have great friends, interesting work and sufficient motivation to continue to be a participant in society.  My life is full and I am not incomplete.

So if there is no soulmate out there for me, the pressure is off.  I don’t need to look for the needle in the haystack.  I can just roll around in the hay and enjoy myself!

I am no longer afraid of being alone, as I once was.  I am not alone with wonderful friends and family who give me love and care about me.  Maybe it would be nice to have a partner who added something extra, and I do remember how great that feels, but fundamentally I am okay.

A relationship also brings a stack of stressors.  Negotiating how time is spent, tiptoeing around feelings and spending most of my time in second place, are all things I can do without.

I’ve had a few little flirts lately and I realise, while attention is fun, I am not longing for hugs, kisses, sex or intimacy like I once did.  When I started this blog I was in a feeding frenzy when it came to men.  I needed the intimacy my marriage lacked and I went hard (hence the wide-eyed name of this blog) with relationships that ranged from a few hours to a few months, with some yet to end entirely.

Love songs aren’t about me. I like rapid-fire punk, screaming my frustrations over intricate melodies with big drum beats.  Romantic movies have never been my preference, give me a heart-racing thriller any day.  I have fiery feminist views which challenge even the most secure man, and I loathe myself when I keep them to myself when in a relationship.

I’ve turned down the volume on my personality and thoughts for every man I’ve ever known and I watch myself do it, rolling my eyes and daring my own mouth to open and say how I feel with no fear of hurting his feelings.

But they have never been strong enough to hear me, or truly know me.

So why would I waste time trying to find a non-existent needle in the haystack?

Having said that…..

I am about to rejoin the dating scene.  I have very low expectations that I will find anyone wonderful, but I am putting up a profile today nonetheless.  As always, I will be overly honest and see what that turns up.  Probably not much.

There will be the guys who try to break me down, then ones who won’t believe what I am saying, and the ones who will bow down before a strong woman with their fetish on a platter for me to act out.

But maybe, just maybe, there might be one that I like a bit and can be an interesting distraction for a while.  I will, of course, tell you all about it.

There has been no word from The Captain, or Mrs Donewithhisnastyass, or The Toolman.  I am sure The Captain is fine and hasn’t looked back, but I would still be fascinated to hear the true tale of The Toolman and Mrs Done.

I was flicking through my phone last week, looking for a photo when I came across a series of photos and videos from my time with The Toolman.  Shockingly, it made me a little wistful for him and the electric energy we shared.  His kisses and the way he held me, swelled  up in my memories, and for a moment I wanted them again.  Just for a night (no sleepover, obviously).

But every car crash has more energy than we are equipped to deal with.

Wish me luck as I go play in the traffic.

 

 

3 thoughts on “137. Nobody’s soulmate

  1. I want to hear more from Mrs Done too!

    Girl, you got this. I’ve been thinking the same lately. I got back on a site to see what’s new and I can’t find anything 🙄. And it’s not that I’m picky; we talk for a few minutes and then I hear nothing. So instead of “😩😭nobody loves me!!😭” it’s “boy bye👋🏻” and I delete them. I don’t got time for games. I have a good job, bills are being caught up, I’m grown. I’m done doing all the work. 👋🏻 I’m back to feeling sexier and loving myself more , especially since my surgery through my hormones out of wack.
    It’s like that song “I love myself and I don’t need anyone else.”
    Sometimes I want to tell people I’m married to myself and I’m registered at Manolo Blanik; a-la Carrie Bradshaw (Sex & The City).

    If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, I’m free to move about the cabin 😘

    • Love that! “ free to move about the cabin” 😂

      I started matching and chatting last night and I found myself turning down (nicely) they guys who were disrespectful, unattractive etc far more easily than before.
      Somebody is gonna need to stand out for me to bother.
      Glad all is going well for you too Vegas – it’s been a while coming but I knew you would get there xx

      • Girl I’m finally starting to live again! lol. Gahhh the things we went through. It was a struggle there for a while. But I think I’m finally getting around to being OK.

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