So I’ve been enjoying my time alone, in no rush to resume the rollercoaster ride of modern dating, and I’ve had a lot of time to think.
What if there is nobody for me? Well, surprisingly that thought made me feel better. I’ve spent half my life, since I started to date, alone.
And I am pretty good at it. I like my own company, I know how to entertain myself, I have great friends, interesting work and sufficient motivation to continue to be a participant in society. My life is full and I am not incomplete.
So if there is no soulmate out there for me, the pressure is off. I don’t need to look for the needle in the haystack. I can just roll around in the hay and enjoy myself!
I am no longer afraid of being alone, as I once was. I am not alone with wonderful friends and family who give me love and care about me. Maybe it would be nice to have a partner who added something extra, and I do remember how great that feels, but fundamentally I am okay.
A relationship also brings a stack of stressors. Negotiating how time is spent, tiptoeing around feelings and spending most of my time in second place, are all things I can do without.
I’ve had a few little flirts lately and I realise, while attention is fun, I am not longing for hugs, kisses, sex or intimacy like I once did. When I started this blog I was in a feeding frenzy when it came to men. I needed the intimacy my marriage lacked and I went hard (hence the wide-eyed name of this blog) with relationships that ranged from a few hours to a few months, with some yet to end entirely.
Love songs aren’t about me. I like rapid-fire punk, screaming my frustrations over intricate melodies with big drum beats. Romantic movies have never been my preference, give me a heart-racing thriller any day. I have fiery feminist views which challenge even the most secure man, and I loathe myself when I keep them to myself when in a relationship.
I’ve turned down the volume on my personality and thoughts for every man I’ve ever known and I watch myself do it, rolling my eyes and daring my own mouth to open and say how I feel with no fear of hurting his feelings.
But they have never been strong enough to hear me, or truly know me.
So why would I waste time trying to find a non-existent needle in the haystack?
Having said that…..
I am about to rejoin the dating scene. I have very low expectations that I will find anyone wonderful, but I am putting up a profile today nonetheless. As always, I will be overly honest and see what that turns up. Probably not much.
There will be the guys who try to break me down, then ones who won’t believe what I am saying, and the ones who will bow down before a strong woman with their fetish on a platter for me to act out.
But maybe, just maybe, there might be one that I like a bit and can be an interesting distraction for a while. I will, of course, tell you all about it.
There has been no word from The Captain, or Mrs Donewithhisnastyass, or The Toolman. I am sure The Captain is fine and hasn’t looked back, but I would still be fascinated to hear the true tale of The Toolman and Mrs Done.
I was flicking through my phone last week, looking for a photo when I came across a series of photos and videos from my time with The Toolman. Shockingly, it made me a little wistful for him and the electric energy we shared. His kisses and the way he held me, swelled up in my memories, and for a moment I wanted them again. Just for a night (no sleepover, obviously).
But every car crash has more energy than we are equipped to deal with.
Wish me luck as I go play in the traffic.