136. Intrusive thoughts

Each morning I wake at about 4:30am, get up to pee, then shuffle back to my still-warm sheets hoping to fall back to sleep instantly.  My brain has other ideas.  Scores of ideas, in fact.

Ideas about work, which has been keeping me successfully distracted for the last month, ideas about things I should be doing, the attention I should be paying to my finances and health and other adulting-related functions.

Then the flood of ideas about The Captain.  What I should have said, what he really meant, what came over him, why did he do that, is he missing me, does he know he fucked up, is he seeing someone else already, did he have someone else lined up, was he actually a two-faced, dirty liar who never loved me at all, how could he throw away such a great thing?

Eventually, and usually about fifteen minutes before my alarm goes off, I fall asleep only to have to drag myself from a quicksand-like slumber to start my day.

On Tuesday night I was home watching television when my phone lit up.

“New message from The Captain.”

Holy fuck.  My heart skipped, my blood ran cold and I reached for the phone like it was made of fire.

“This is my new phone number.  Please update my contact details.  The Captain.”

Well that was a waste of adrenaline.

Obviously it was a group message to everyone in his phone, so I read nothing in to it, except to speculate that he had finally left the job that he hated.  His old number was for a work-supplied phone, so perhaps a new number meant he had moved on from that situation too.

He hadn’t deleted my number, but that meant nothing either.  I have a contacts list full of people I don’t want to talk to, but don’t want to blindly answer the phone if they call and I don’t recognise the number.  Who knows phone numbers anymore?

While we weren’t ever friends on social media, his face keeps popping up as being active on Messenger, as we had messaged via that platform before.  After a few nights of seeing his face on my screen, I blocked him.

Right about the time he dumped me, he changed his profile picture to a quote:

“A Capricorns first instinct about someone is usually right.”

Da fuq does that mean?  Did he see something in me from the beginning that he knew he couldn’t live with?  Does it mean, he thought I was wonderful when we first met and now he is kicking himself?

I’m still trying to come up with a list of reasons why it is best that we broke up:

  1. He thought he was smarter than me
  2. He was an ordinary suburban dad who wanted to be that
  3. He didn’t appreciate me
  4. His life was in a bit of a mess and he couldn’t handle it well
  5. He thinks his market value is higher than it is
  6. He is too stupid to know a great woman when he has one

AKA – pretty much all the men I’ve ever known.

I still think of him fifty times a day, and I wonder what he might be doing and if he misses me at all.  I know that will fade away, it has only been a month, and like all things; this too shall pass.

I’ve decided not to even consider dating until September and just get through the next few weeks focussed on work and taking care of myself.

I’ve confirmed that I do want someone special, but in a relationship of our own design.  I need a communicator, a person who is willing to participate actively in the care of the relationship, someone who knows the value of compromise, a spectacular lover and someone I can respect.

He was many of those things, until he wasn’t, but when I come home at night, there is a part of me that is hoping The Captain is waiting on my doorstep with flowers.

This time, I was so close, but it seems I’m not quite there yet.

http://time.com/5287211/how-to-get-over-a-breakup/

3 thoughts on “136. Intrusive thoughts

  1. “I’m still trying to come up with a list of reasons why it is best that we broke up:

    He thought he was smarter than me
    He was an ordinary suburban dad who wanted to be that
    He didn’t appreciate me
    His life was in a bit of a mess and he couldn’t handle it well
    He thinks his market value is higher than it is
    He is too stupid to know a great woman when he has one
    AKA – pretty much all the men I’ve ever known.”

    I’m starting to think that everything on this blog is simply psychological projection on your part.

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