I knew it wasn’t right. And I knew this was going to hurt him. And it made me feel like shit.
The Gentleman had sent me a couple of texts, hoping I’d enjoyed the day after our night together, wishing me sweet dreams and telling me how much fun the night had been.
It had been fun for me too. He was sweet, attentive, smart and interesting. And he made me come four times! But I wasn’t attracted to him. I just wasn’t. His kisses hadn’t set me alight, his body wasn’t a turn on to me, and his nervous moments made me aware that having control of him wasn’t much of a challenge.
The real thrill is having a big alpha male under your control.
The Gentleman was imagining me, our life together and the fulfilment of all his fantasies. I had said all the right things that night, and I know it was playing over and over in his head like a movie. The Gentleman was looking at my Swingers Site profile every couple of hours (it notifies you when somebody looks), and if I had felt the same I would have been over the moon.
I had to stop this before he got even more invested.
“Good morning Gentleman. I had a fun night with you but I didn’t feel the magic I wanted so badly to feel. We both know exactly what we want so we should go find it. I had a lovely time with you and wish you every happiness. Xx”
I felt terrible. I knew how crushing rejection like this felt and I hated inflicting it on someone else, but I also knew it would be crueler to make him think I was the one he was looking for.
Usually when we messaged he was super responsive, but this time it took several hours for him to send his reply. I felt like a heartless devil.
“Good morning IMHOC. I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t quite feel that magic that you wanted to feel. I had a lovely time with you too.
I can tend to be a little shy on a first date just because I don’t know where I stand. Once past that im all good and the cheeky playful me comes out. If you ever were to reconsider I’d be happy to try again.
I likewise truly wish you all the best and every happiness too. Take care and I hope you find what you’re looking for xx”
Fuck. I felt terrible.
But it made me realise something important. I wanted someone like The Gentleman wrapped in The Toolman’s body. If I could Dr Frankenstein that monster together I would be lost in love.
Over the next few days, The Gentleman looked at my profile at least twice a day.
On Friday I got another message from him.
“I hope your week has been really good. If you ever happen to reconsider, I am only a message away. Take care xx”
I wanted to cry. I wished so much that I had been more attracted to him. I wished another date would change things, but I knew it wouldn’t and I didn’t want to lead him on.
“I am so sorry. We both had high hopes but it is not meant to be. I feel badly and wish you well. xx”
“I wish you well too, I am only a message away if you ever want to chat. Take care xx”
“You too. xx”
I doubted that would be the last message I ever got from him.
The messages and matches on The Swinger’s Site continued to come in. I was feeling jaded again by the attention of fuck boys and the disappointment of coming so close to what I wanted with The Gentleman.
Two other guys stood out as genuine possibilities and I spent my evenings messaging with them, but told them I would be unable to meet until the following week. They seemed fine with it and told me they had weekend plans anyway. I double checked their vital statistics (5’11” and 6’2”) and managed to stalk them both on FB to get a sense of who they are. Both are divorced and their online lives seem to reflect that, but both were a little too keen for my tastes (“Oh Baby, I adore you already!” Really? Do ya tho?) and I would have preferred some more small talk and getting to know you stuff.
But they were interesting enough that I was distracted by them for a few days. And crucially, I was distracted by them on The Toolman’s birthday. I really wanted The Toolman to know I remembered his birthday and still felt love for him. But The Gentleman has helped me realise how I want to be treated and spoken to; I needed to be with someone who had nothing to hide and wanted to give me all he had.
I didn’t message The Toolman for his birthday.
While checking my messages on The Swingers Site, I did a search for The Toolman’s profile.
“This user has blocked you from seeing their profile.”
I wondered what would happen if we ran into each other at a sex club……