123. The Swinger’s Site

The morning after The Mystery Man, I sat and wrote my blog about it. I have been thinking that the casual sex with 30 year olds is probably not the path I want to take again. I want the passion and excitement of The Toolman with somebody who loves me.

But I need a man who is okay with my adventurous tastes and can lead me in that space sometimes.

So I went to the Swingers Site.

I began creating my profile and wrote what I wanted:

“I am a sexually adventurous woman looking for the guy who will create a loving and naughty world with me. Divorced, no kids, I want to build a relationship with a guy who is open to swinging with me. I’m not bi, but I enjoy playing with women in the right circumstances. I want a “Partner in Pleasure.”

I prefer men my own age or younger, and I am not here for chit chat and picture swapping. I am real and I want real men.

My Ideal partner is sexually creative and skilled, awesome kisser, loving and emotionally available. Affectionate and loyal, you will know how to show me I am your partner, no matter what adventures we have together. Trust is everything so don’t lie to me. You will be found out and it will destroy everything. Don’t be no fool! ;)”

I needed to add some pictures so scrolled through my phone to find my trusty, flirty pictures I had taken to send The Toolman at various points in our relationship. As I searched for pictures I came across video messages he had sent me. I have resisted looking at these for all these months as I knew the pain it would induce. I weakened and pressed play.

“Good morning Gorgeous. I’m on my way to work already, but I wish I was in bed with you, kissing and fucking you, making you cum over and over. Have a great day Baby.” His deep, sexy voice instantly made me wet, and I didn’t feel sad like I expected. I just wanted him.

I uploaded the photos to my profile. Within seconds the views and winks and messages began flooding in. Within an hour 150 men had viewed my profile and 20 had sent me messages. Most were much older and I wasn’t interested, but there were a few who told me they were searching for the same thing. They were attractive, well hung if their profiles and stats were to be believed, and wanted to meet me.

I responded to a guy and while I waited on his next message, I searched the site for men.

And there it was. Our old username. The Toolman has edited down the words we carefully crafted together, and taken out the couples part and my information, and is now using it as a single man’s profile. Well he did pay for it, so I guess I can’t say anything.

But it hit me like a tonne of bricks and I started to sob. The pain in my heart stabbed and stabbed as I read his stats and preferences. They were all the things we shared and I wanted and I couldn’t bear knowing he was out there looking for the thing we could have had if he hadn’t been such an emotional wimp.

“I’m right here where you left me, you fucking ass!!!!”

I sobbed and wondered when this would end. I don’t know what to do. I can’t fill the space left by him. How do I do this?

I scoured his profile, looking for how recently he had been active. There were no visible pictures, just a line saying they were available on request. I didn’t think his profile would get many hits from women without pictures, but I had no doubt he was contacting many women and offering to open his private pictures to them.

Then I realised. If I had viewed his profile, he would get a notification that I looked at him. It was only a matter of time before he looked at my profile and recognised my pictures, despite the lack of distinguishing features.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I have genuinely been trying to get past him, to forget him, to move on, to only remember the bad stuff, to try new guys and new experiences.

But all I want is him.

Tell me what to do. How do I forget him? Do I need to see a fucking shrink over this?

I will wait right here, feeling sick and sad, watching my notifications to see when he views my profile.

As I waited the messages and notifications flooded in.  In fact, I was feeling like the last chip on the beach and all the seagulls were squawking around me, fighting for my deliciousness.

Some men were flirty and sent funny messages and most were very complimentary of my profile.  The rest were the usual hopeless bad spellers or in their 50-70s, which I had made clear I wasn’t into.

Three stood out right away.

A baby-faced 30 year old tradesman who lived about 15 minutes away.  We traded messages for a few hours until he drifted off, unable to come up with anything much to say.

A smoking hot 35 year old council worker who lived 5 minutes away and wanted to see me immediately.  I rebuffed him cautiously, but after some flirty banter, we eventually agreed to have a drink the following night.  He sexted me for 24 hours and got me somewhat interested, mainly because he was so pretty.  He was a little too aggressive and I knew he was only a fuckboy despite his protests to the contrary.  As the hour approached for our drinks date I asked him for his full name and phone number.  He never responded and at 8pm, when we were supposed to be meeting, I deleted and blocked him.

The third man was a 41 year old guy with only a few photos and the username of “Gentleman” which is unusual on a site where everyone calls themselves porno names such as “CumSlut2000”, “FuckYouHard”, “TakeMyLoad”, “BigCock1980” and “YoungStud”.  He messaged me politely and it wasn’t long before we took our conversation away from the site and to texting.

The Gentleman and I texted for 2 hours straight that first night.  He was thrilled to find someone like me on the site, open and honest about looking for love.  We lamented the state of “dating these days” like a couple of war-weary soldiers and how disposable people were becoming to each other.  The conversation was mature, open and warming.  He told me about his work, where he lived (!!!) and his kids.  Then the “catch”.

“Do you know what cuckolding is?”

I did indeed.

“I would really like to be in a loving relationship where my partner is happy for me to watch her with other men from time to time.”

I asked him to elaborate and The Gentleman told me his wife had cheated on him early in their marriage, and the discovery of that infidelity had awakened a fantasy in him.  They had remained married for a decade after the infidelity and had two children, but she never really embraced the dynamic he wanted and didn’t have the sex drive to match his.  I could relate to that.

The Gentleman told me he wanted a woman who he could love and adore, and part of that adoration was watching her enjoy herself with other men, then returning to him for intimate, tender love-making.  He was turned on by other men desiring his partner.

“So I get to enjoy you loving me, and also supporting me sleeping with other guys from time to time?”

“Pretty much.”

JACKPOT.

We chatted for ages about the nuances and fantasies, and as I began to imagine what it would be like, I felt like it might heal my heart.

The Toolman hadn’t been willing to give me all of himself, which was all The Gentleman wanted to do.  Give me all of him, including ultimate control of his sex life.  He wanted to be monogamous to me while actively encouraging me to explore my exhibitionist and hedonistic fantasies, all the while supporting and standing by my side to protect me.

The Gentleman also told me about his cage.

The Toolman and I had tried that but his big cock had prevented any serious use.

The Gentleman wanted me to lock him up and hold the key, ensuring his fidelity and controlling his pleasure. I asked him if he would enjoy going to a sex club with me, wearing his cage, while he watched me fuck another guy, all the while wearing the key to his cage around my neck.

The Gentleman almost fainted in delight.

“That is the ultimate fantasy.  We may need to work up to that!” He replied, “How would that make you feel?”

I pondered this scenario and told him.

“Powerful”

“Desired”

“Adored”

“Loved”

Umm..yes please!  Where do I sign?

One of the things that irked me about the handful of times I went out with The Toolman was his incessantly wandering eye.

“Do you think she is hot?  We should fuck her?  What about them?  They might be a fun couple?”  I always wanted him to give it a rest once in a while but he never would.  He was always focussed on the next fantasy.

I told The Gentleman he was appealing to my ego and the idea of being adored in this way was turning me on.  I worried however, that he might be a little too needy for me.  I did need a strong man I could respect and I told him so.

“It takes a strong man to submit to a Female Led Relationship (FLR).  Weak men falter.”

Huh.

He had me googling FLR and it did kinda sound like me.  As with any fetish, there was a spectrum, and I could see us landing comfortably in the middle.  Seemingly normal outwardly, but enjoying my fantasies and also getting the commitment, trust and love I wanted. And getting my own way.  This could be dangerous!

Our rapport also seemed so easy.  Isn’t that how it should be?

He had a shaved head and green eyes, with full pouty lips (tick) that enjoyed kissing.  He told me he was sensual and found intimacy the biggest turn on of all. The only drawback I could find was that he was only a couple of inches taller than me.  I asked him if that bothered him; if I wore heels when we went out would he be uncomfortable?

“Not at all.  I love a woman all dressed up, wearing heels, making men’s heads turn.  I think we would probably be the same height if you wore them.”

Height is such an issue for some women on these apps.  And like them I do prefer a taller man, not sure why it is so hot but it is.  But some of my best lovers have been my height or slightly shorter (The Singer, The Chef, The Athlete), and some of the worst have been tall (The Big Dick, The Country Dad, The Weirdo) so I have come to embrace the charms of the shorter dude and not discriminate based on this.

His confidence and openness was so endearing.  I was smiling the whole time we chatted.

Meanwhile…back at the dating site….

After just 24 hours on the site I had over 100 messages and my profile had been viewed and winked at over 400 times. Yikes.  Ladies, if you ever need an ego-boost, or a reminder than men will try and fuck anyone, I highly recommend it.

To their credit, so far none of them have been rude.  I have tried to respond nicely to every enquiry even if just to say, “Thanks but I am not interested in you.  Good luck in your search”, which evidently most of them are not used to hearing.  I got lots of “thanks for being so nice” messages after those rejections.

I scrolled through the notifications and found it.  The Toolman had noticed my profile.  He had only looked once (it tracks every visit) and had not messaged me in any of the many ways he could have.  It must have hurt him to see my pictures and to find me there.  And I began to cry.

I was beginning to work it out.  The Toolman and I had shared some of the most intimate experiences of my life, where I had trusted him more than anyone, more than he deserved and he had broken that trust.  The trust I had placed in him and the depth of emotions were more intense than anything I’d ever felt.  Then he tossed them away, leaving me scrambling, sure I could fix something he broke.

The deep intimacy a kinky relationship can provide was something I really wanted.  He had shown me that, and now perhaps I would find it with The Gentleman.

Already I wanted to shut down my profile and go see The Gentleman.  We have a dinner date lined up and I can’t wait.

2 thoughts on “123. The Swinger’s Site

  1. The ‘gentleman’ sounds so exciting!
    It was still sad to read about the emotions that the Toolman still elicits in you – but as I read the story about the gentleman, I thought to myself, this could be something that will help you get over the toolman. I hope 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s